Monday, July 14, 2008

What Are We Going To Drink?

Earth shattering news today in America's heartland: Budweiser is no longer an American beer! The calamity! The horror! I can't stop using exclamation points!
The backlash against Anheuser-Busch's sale to InBev, a Belgian company, has already begun. Jordan Moore, a 21-year-old concrete worker in St. Louis helps illustrate the outrage being felt across America -- Mr Moore, interviewed by the Wall Street Journal while enjoying a few cold ones on his lunch break (apparently something every red-blooded American who operates heavy machinery has a God-given right to do), had this to say:
"I'll tell you one thing, if Budweiser is made by a different country, I don't drink Budweiser anymore. I'll go back to Wild Turkey."
Wild Turkey is, of course, owned by French Company Pernod Ricard. But Moore's intelligent and intentional use of sarcasm here brings up an incredibly valid point. The man sees America's culture and soul being ripped apart by foreign companies and terrorists and wonders why the rest of us don't see it. What are we to do now that the King Of Beers is owned by a country whose greatest contributions to the world are Jean Claude Van-Damme and The Smurfs? Where's Chuck Norris and Charlie Brown when you need 'em? Surely those two bastions of American culture would help draw attention to how far we've slipped.
Guess we have to roll up our sleeves the old-fashioned way and boldy venture forth, soldiering on in the face of this adversity, to search for some U-S-of-A alcohol we CAN drink. Surely there's a Red White & Blue beverage out there we can use to inebriate ourselves. There's got to be a patriotic beer that can help us forget Osama Bin Laden is running for President and, if elected, will take away our right to worship God's son (Dale Jr.) every Sunday, force us to remain sober at work and not only legalize gay marriage but make it mandatory.
Well, how about Milwaukee's Best? Heck, it's got one of America's lower 48 states right there in its name. Milwaukee, home to Green Bay and Minnesota. What could be more American than that? Waitaminute!!! Milwaukee's Best is owned by a South African company? Well nuts to that, "South Africa" is practically another way of saying "South Terrorist", guess we'll have to find something else. How 'bout Miller Lite then? Same guys? Are you serious? Dagnabbit!
Coors? They merged with them Molson Canadian kooks? They're out then. Sam Adams? Don't even say it, that's a blue state beer, you've lost your mind if you think I'll drink that.
Jim Beam, Jack Daniels? Yeah? Really, they're still American? Finally! Well then if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get drunk on Jack and Cokes before I go back to work. Hey waiter, tall Jack and Coke, heavy on the Jack! I'd also like the filet and frites... oops, I mean Steak and Freedom Fries. USA! USA!

7 comments:

Joe Iriarte said...

*LAUGH*

This cracked me up!

muellerSON said...

lol funny stuff... keep up the good work!

Paul Easton said...

This guy is the moron who placed a gratuitous attack on Freud on the NYTimes website. There is no need to defend him from such as you. I will only say that most disparagers of Freud are radical feminists and the pussy whipped.

Sprizouse said...

I am that moron, one and the same, Mr. Easton. For anyone else reading along... here's the article Easton is referring to. Olivia Judson, Evolutionary Biologist for the Times, wrote a column asking that Darwin's name be "retired" from evolutionary biology discussions since the discipline has advanced and changed so much since Darwin's time.

My comment on the article was simply that it could be worse... the progenitor of her field (Darwin) has largely had his theories proved correct while the progenitor of psychology (Freud) has largely been proved wrong.

Sigmund Freud created pyschology and psychoanalysis and for that, he should be celebrated (and indeed he is). Until Freud, nobody thought about the underlying motivations behind a person's actions.

But Freud took a mis-step by believing all human behavior was the robotic byproduct of sexual urges. He then shoehorned every result of his psychoanalysis into that theory.

Freud believed virtue was an illusion (everything we do, we do to impress others for the hope of sex), curing psychological problems an impossibility and happiness unattainable.

I'll admit those conclusions seem to fit the personality displayed by Mr. Easton's comment but Modern Psychology would still contend Freud was wrong.

I happily invite Mr. Easton to continue this conversation, even though he feels I'm not worthy of debate. Either way, perhaps he can tell me so next time without the name-calling?

Ryan Parr said...

Hehehehe, well you definitely put this Budweiser news in perspective. Very entertaining. I agree on the Freud/Darwin comment as well. Freud got a little wacky there...I think he needed to see a pyschologist himself.

Magic Jordan said...

spirizouse, Have you read any Freud?

Sprizouse said...

Magic...I've read SOME Freud but by no means would consider myself an expert on the man or his work.

Hence the "Renaissance Man" name of my blog: I think I know enough about everything to argue about it. But I don't know enough about any ONE thing to offer new insight, be interesting or even really feel the need to be correct on most things.

That being said, I'm ALWAYS willing to listen to other people's arguments (even when they feel the need to call me a moron, radical feminist etc.) because if I'm wrong (and there's always a 0.001% chance of that), then I'd like to be corrected. Because once I AM correct then I can go and spout off an even more annoying CORRECT position rather than just my half-assed, "I know a little bit about the subject" position.