Earth shattering news today in America's heartland: Budweiser is no longer an American beer! The calamity! The horror! I can't stop using exclamation points!
The backlash against Anheuser-Busch's sale to InBev, a Belgian company, has already begun. Jordan Moore, a 21-year-old concrete worker in St. Louis helps illustrate the outrage being felt across America -- Mr Moore, interviewed by the Wall Street Journal while enjoying a few cold ones on his lunch break (apparently something every red-blooded American who operates heavy machinery has a God-given right to do), had this to say:
"I'll tell you one thing, if Budweiser is made by a different country, I don't drink Budweiser anymore. I'll go back to Wild Turkey."
Wild Turkey is, of course, owned by French Company Pernod Ricard. But Moore's intelligent and intentional use of sarcasm here brings up an incredibly valid point. The man sees America's culture and soul being ripped apart by foreign companies and terrorists and wonders why the rest of us don't see it. What are we to do now that the King Of Beers is owned by a country whose greatest contributions to the world are Jean Claude Van-Damme and The Smurfs? Where's Chuck Norris and Charlie Brown when you need 'em? Surely those two bastions of American culture would help draw attention to how far we've slipped.
Guess we have to roll up our sleeves the old-fashioned way and boldy venture forth, soldiering on in the face of this adversity, to search for some U-S-of-A alcohol we CAN drink. Surely there's a Red White & Blue beverage out there we can use to inebriate ourselves. There's got to be a patriotic beer that can help us forget Osama Bin Laden is running for President and, if elected, will take away our right to worship God's son (Dale Jr.) every Sunday, force us to remain sober at work and not only legalize gay marriage but make it mandatory.
Well, how about Milwaukee's Best? Heck, it's got one of America's lower 48 states right there in its name. Milwaukee, home to Green Bay and Minnesota. What could be more American than that? Waitaminute!!! Milwaukee's Best is owned by a South African company? Well nuts to that, "South Africa" is practically another way of saying "South Terrorist", guess we'll have to find something else. How 'bout Miller Lite then? Same guys? Are you serious? Dagnabbit!
Coors? They merged with them Molson Canadian kooks? They're out then. Sam Adams? Don't even say it, that's a blue state beer, you've lost your mind if you think I'll drink that.
Jim Beam, Jack Daniels? Yeah? Really, they're still American? Finally! Well then if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go get drunk on Jack and Cokes before I go back to work. Hey waiter, tall Jack and Coke, heavy on the Jack! I'd also like the filet and frites... oops, I mean Steak and Freedom Fries. USA! USA!